I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
You Might Also Like
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit