i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then