The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what