I got soap in my shower beer again.
You Might Also Like
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up