Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
How I like cutting carbs
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.