Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button