i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Lucky old June.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.