Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
sry
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
i made a craigslist ad !
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.