Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.