A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
the rocks need my help
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
This why you should mind your business
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.