“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
(True)
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes