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Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

@krisv_723: I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

@krisv_723: You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

@krisv_723: Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

@krisv_723: Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@krisv_723: If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer "are you giving me a ticket or a quiz" for a free ride in their car.

@krisv_723: I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

@krisv_723: *seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

@krisv_723: Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

@krisv_723: I don't know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it's delicious.