Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I was just shushed.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.