Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of krisv_723's best tweets

@krisv_723 : If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer "are you giving me a ticket or a quiz" for a free ride in their car.

@krisv_723: I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

@krisv_723: *seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

@krisv_723: Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

@krisv_723: I don't know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it's delicious.

@krisv_723: *Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

@krisv_723: When I meet someone new I always determine if they'd be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

@krisv_723: Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I'm just napping
Me: Shhh, don't fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

@krisv_723: I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

@krisv_723: Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*