@krisv_723

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

@krisv_723

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

@krisv_723

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

@krisv_723

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

@krisv_723

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

@krisv_723

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

@krisv_723

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.