I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral