Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything