HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.