@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@kumailn

[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”

@kumailn

Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@kumailn

The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars

@kumailn

The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”

@kumailn

Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.