If I had a time machine I’d go back 10 years and tell myself “Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to.”
“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump
[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”
Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!
Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?
My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”
The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”