My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.