[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.