me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever