I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game