girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me :
All Day At Night
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know