Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you