I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’m Sold!
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
😬
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
LOOOOOOL
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)