Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of kyry5's best tweets

@kyry5 : I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

@kyry5: The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

@kyry5: [1st date]
*hiding that I'm actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we've broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

@kyry5: Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT"

@kyry5: [God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"

@kyry5: One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

@kyry5: [Girl's night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

@kyry5: The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

@kyry5: The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@kyry5: Me: "This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones"

"Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys"