Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.