Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.