Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes