Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Art by Pastelkatto
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.