A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
uncle dave has been through hell
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?