Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
japanese corn
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work