Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Saw online –
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.