1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.