Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.