Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
shit just got real
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.