I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
my friends when i can’t do basic math
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Got him!
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park