@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@lasergirl70

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

@lasergirl70

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

@lasergirl70

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@lasergirl70

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

@lasergirl70

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@lasergirl70

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@lasergirl70

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.