My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Covid like
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows