I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I have so many questions.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Mouse
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.