[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.