I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?