I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Rather alarming headline…
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”