I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti