I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You Might Also Like
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
a god among men
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
called in thicc to work this morning
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.