Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
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the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!