30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.