My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
still the best tweet of the year by far
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Just got to our Airbnb!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*offers Batman cough drops*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.