*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time