Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”