Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
#Caturday
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics