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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Home #decor warning.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
A drum solo but on your face.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me