I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
me and the Superbowl rn
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
yall want some gasoline milk
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies